October 15th

As followers of our blog and most of our family and friends know, we have had to experience the pain of losing a child 3 times now. Many people don't know that there is actually a National Day of Remembrance for such losses. Although our babies are forever in our hearts and memories, this is a special day for the world to come together to remember those lost. Some we never had the chance to meet, some who weren't here for a very long time but left the tiniest footprints on our hearts for as long as we live.

In honor of our babies, I took a photo today. We never had the chance to meet our babies, we never even got the chance to hear a heartbeat, hear a cry, chance a diaper or experience anything that comes along with becoming a parent. Our dreams have shattered three times since we have been trying to start a family for the last 7 years. It's something that I would never wish on my worst enemy and has really brought Ryan and I closer. I don't know what I would do without him and most of all, without my Savior. Through Him, I know that someday I will get to meet my babies. For now, I will continue to honor them.

This bear was given to me by my mother when I had my first miscarriage and it has been a comfort to me. It only made sense to include it in the photo.

(click to view full size)


If you have ever experienced a loss, there is support. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, there is a way to get involved. Visit http://www.october15th.com and spread the awareness!

Amen!!

C.G. Ward Photography: Regarding the facebook "Breast Cancer Awareness Game on Facebook"

"I guarantee you there is someone in your life, someone on your friends list who saw you post your fake pregnancy, and for a moment, she was reminded of her empty aching womb," - C.G. Ward Photography


I am so thankful for this woman for standing up and saying how she feels. This is the words I have wanted to say so long about how I feel about infertility and how people who "love" me disregard my feelings all of the time without even realizing it. Thank you so much to her for stepping up and saying something! =)

Little Update!

Thought I would post an update since it's been a while! We've been busy despite the fact that Ryan recently took a lay off from his job. I had been attending Shawnee State University, majoring in a Bachelor's in Fine Arts with a Concentration in Photography and Digital Imaging. I am currently waiting to transfer to the Academy of Art University based out of San Francisco, California.

Ryan and I just celebrated our 7 year anniversary(4/17) and it's hard to believe that it has been that long! It seems just like yesterday we were just going on our first date and it's unbelievable that in reality, that was almost 9 years ago!!

Recently, we learned that I was 5 weeks pregnant but sadly, we lost the baby. This makes our 3rd loss and we are not sure why this keeps happening but hope to get answers soon. I have recently also made a life change and started to count calories and workout. So far I am down almost 20lbs and feel great. I have a long way to go to reach my goal but I feel very motivated to make it happen.

I(Tabitha) recently became a HomeStyle Specialist for AtHome America. So far, I absolutely love it and would love to do a party if you want to host one! See the catalog(you can even shop online!) at:
http://www.athome.com/tabbymichelle
I also have a facebook page for that:
http://www.facebook.com/loreathome
I also have my photography page and hope it continues to grow. Would love to find some grants and buy a building to have a studio, maybe someday! You can see some of my work by going to:
http://www.pixelperfectonline.com
or:
http://www.flickr.com/tabbymichelle
I also have a facebook page for that too!
http://www.facebook.com/pixperfectphotography

Ryan has also decided to start a side job and I am very proud of him for it and have all the faith that he'll do great! Become a fan on Facebook by going to: Rock n' Reef Aquatic Maintenance Services!

Ryan starts his new job with AEP tomorrow and we're really excited about this job and give thanks to God for it. We're hoping that this job will finally start bringing good things. We are hoping to finally purchase our first home, which we've had our eyes on for quite some time now and we are in desperate need of a new vehicle. I am putting it all in God's hands.

Why We Relay!

Last year I participated in Relay For Life and I am doing it again this year. I have joined my cousin this year as Co-Captain and I am very excited about helping in the fight against cancer. I created this video with photos that I took last year with hopes that it will get some attention out there about Relay For Life. I hope that everyone will find it in their hearts to help our team out. The littlest donation helps and 100% of the donations go to The American Cancer Society for research to find a cure!!!

If you would like to donate, please goto this link: Relay For Life
Thank you so much!!! God Bless!

It's time to say goodbye..

It's time to say goodbye to 2010. You have been another crazy year, some good, some bad. Here is a short blog about things that have been accomplished and lost in this crazy, tragic, sometimes always magic, wonderful, beautiful year.

In January, we started seeing an RE in Columbus and wasn't given the greatest news possible, but we worked through it. If there is anything that we have learned from Infertility, it's patience. We may not have become parents this year, but we know it will happen.

March brought another birthday and I said hello to turning 28, I am getting closer to that 3-0 but quite honestly, it really doesn't scare me that much anymore.

In April, Ryan and I celebrated 6 years of marriage. It seems like such a short time ago that we were saying our vows and starting our life together. We also got to celebrate our Nephew's first birthday and it was unbelievable to think that he had just turned 1, time really does go by so fast.

In may, we looked at a house and are pretty confident that it's the ONE that we are going to purchase and hope to pursue it at the beginning of 2011. Sadly, May brought tears for us as well. We said goodbye to our little furbaby, Milo. She was a joy in our life and we still miss her very much. She was with us for 5 years but left such a huge impression on our hearts.

June was another sad time, it was 4 years ago that we lost our first child. I miscarried our first baby on June 23, 2006 and it's still as real now as it was then and it's hard to believe we would have an almost 4 year old had we not lost it.

When August arrived, I took one of the biggest steps yet, I decided to go back to school! On August 16th I started attending Shawnee State University. My major is photography and I can now proudly say that I survived my first semester. I am getting ready to start my second and will be counting down a total of 8 to reach graduation with a Bachelor's Degree in Fine Arts. Ryan also had a pretty big event this August, he turned 30 and he took it well.

Ryan has done a lot of traveling with work this year and even though I don't like it, I appreciate and am thankful that he has a job. We still don't have it all together, but together we have it all. I hope that 2011 brings a lot more progression towards our dreams.

Overall, 2010 has been a pretty good year. There was a lot of time spent with family and friends. We have had a roof over our heads, plenty to eat, good general health and tons more to be thankful for. Here's to 2011 bringing a lot more happiness and good memories.

Childless

I get Daily Devotionals in my email everyday and though they are always good, they never call out to me as much as this one. It popped up off of the screen when I saw the words "Childless" I was surprised when I read the article attached and thought I would share it.


Childless

Selections from Genesis 29 & 30

Laban had two daughters: the older was named Leah, and the younger was named Rachel. Leah had delicate eyes, but Rachel was shapely and beautiful. Jacob loved Rachel. When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she envied her sister. "Give me sons, or I will die!" she said to Jacob. Jacob became angry with Rachel and said, "Am I in God's place, who has withheld children from you?" Then God remembered Rachel. He listened to her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son, and said, "God has taken away my shame." (HCSB)

The difficult dynamics of polygamy had to have been murder on everyone - even in the very best of circumstances. Imagine how thick the tension became when only one of the wives - the homely one - was able to have any children. This is not going to be pretty.

Rachel responded as a lot of us do when we feel the pinch of a big problem. Seeing no way out, weary of waiting on God to answer in her time frame, desperation overpowered her faith and trust and forced her into making foolish decisions - blaming her husband, wishing she was dead, grasping at a quick-fix solution. As maddening or frustrating as our own particular trials may be, we never make them any better by letting our emotions outrun our confidence in God. We can only proceed with prayer.

Look At It This Way
Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My heart cries out to the Lord, "Why will You not do this simple thing for me? You do it for so many so easily. You give children to those who will never teach them about Your marvelous grace. Why not me?"

He does not, as so many do, tell me that "my time will come" . . . that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay . . . that "If you adopt a baby, you'll get pregnant." He does say that he is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that he is good and that he can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the cross.

He has given his best to me, his own beautiful, beloved child. Will he withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me - this I know. - Debbie Trickett

A Final Thought
When our troubles are totally beyond our control -- such as infertility -- the only sure resting place is in the goodness of God. If you can believe He knows best, you can handle anything.

This devotional is courtesy of the One Minute Bible for Women of Character.

Unsuccessful..

Well, our last round of Clomid did not work.. I am spotting so I think it's safe to say we're not pregnant. I called my RE and left a message with his Nurse, but I am not really sure about how it's going to work out with my school schedule since my RE is in Columbus, nearly 2 hours away. I am hoping that we will be able to work something out because if not, looks like we'll be waiting until the end of the semester which is December 10th and even then, I only have a short time until the next semester begins. *sigh*